Sunday, 26 April 2015

Single living week 6: Important lessons to keep in mind.

It has been a bit hectic: with all the admin work that I had to do for work and personal stuff I was feeling exhausted by wednesday! So much that I got my usual fatigue migraine and then.. agh.. a horrible anxiety - panic attack at work. I thought I had overdose on pain killers. It was embarrassing enough that nurses had to come and help causing concern amongst other teachers and students.  

Unfortunately.. it was a bit of a show, followed by the repetitive "how are you feeling today?" the next day. I do not like to get that kind of attention, but I guess I need to ease off. People are genuinely concern about my health and I should admit when I need help. There is nothing wrong with that. 


***

Anyway... week by week I slowly realise that this is all a process for the better, for everybody involved, well at least, for little G and myself.  It may not seem like great times at the mo but in the long run it is what I would have preferred for us. Concentrating in what  beautiful gift is the present.  

I am not resentful against my ex. It isn't really him, it's his illness that is taking control over him and there is nothing I can do about it other than to live life as fully as possible (yolo.. right?).

So I am taking notice of the little things that make life a nice treat...



What I want out of life for my little one and myself is a summit of spiritual and meaningful experiences and they can not come right next to the most vain, selfish and arrogant person I have ever had the inconvenience of being with (result of what he is going through). That path, I know leads no - where we want to be in.  

My son is a great, gorgeous, happy little boy who deserves and needs a loving family unit. 


With that in mind, I have to give myself a pat in the back to have had the courage to come out of a destructive and violent environment. A decision that not many women take. It is a road to the unknown but I rather that then sticking to what I know it simply doesn't go. 

I know it may sound like I am incredibly brave, but truth to be told I need a lot of work to heal, to re - find myself and more importantly to learn the many lessons I have at hand. These ones being:




1) You can't force anything. Things are forever changing and I have to really learn how to go with the flow (my biggest challenge).  If you resist, you suffer. 

Going with the flow means acceptance. And more importantly is learning how to respond to life rather than reacting to it. 

2) If you don't love yourself. You can't love no - one else. 

Love and everything that goes around you is a result not of outside circumstances but a mirror to what lives deep in your soul. If you correct what lives in your spirit, everything else falls in to the right place. 

3) The mexican expression: "Tell me what you brag about, and I'll tell you what you lack of".

Beauty is subjective and is a reflection of what lives in your soul. It reflects into others when is in harmony with the universe. 

Looks always fade away, so is always wiser to invest in your spirit rather than this egotistic culture of self image. A pretty face can be nice to look at but when is a shallow one, all magic disappears rather quickly. It's naturally a process; feed yourself with junk food and sooner rather than later you will look unwell. You are what you eat and you become what you think. So feed your soul wisely. 

What is, it simply is, there is no need for branding nor promoting. You don't need to tag every flower nor every sunrise with qualities that are obvious to the eye. If you must so, then you are probably thirsty of the same adjective you so desperately want to name yourself by. 

4) Don't take bullsh*t. Throw it to the bin. Learn to listen to your heart and learn how to distinguish between what is pure and what is a product of the ego either your own, or someone else's. 

So many people are so desperate to spill their own insecurities, fears and weaknesses that want to interfere with your own life. Ignoring it, is the best way to go. Now, when this happens, don't blame nor point fingers at others (or yourself). It is a bi - product of our current lifestyle (the overall way of life, that is). 



***




So basically, find beauty in chaos, don't hold into anything, be in touch with your soul, let go of the ego path, become aware of your own thought process and your own response to life. Don't let yourself get caught on reacting to it. Stay close to like minded people and shine my darling, shine! 

I am incredibly thankful for all the wonderful people in my life. I am truly blessed. 

Sunday's Farmer's Markets: Children's day!

Note about violence:

You may have heard about it, but like me, you never realised it was happening to you. If you are suffering from it, cut loose! Get the protection you need and get informed. The only thing that may be holding you to (if you really think about it) is fear, and fear is a false state of mind. It is not real. Lives in your head only. Reality is what you make of it.
There are many types of violence: physical (quite obvious); emotional/ psychological (includes shouting, insulting, ridicule, threats, sulking, asking you to leave your family house, belittling, bullying and a big, big etcetera.) and patrimonial violence (when yourself or your children are depending on goods to survive and they are not provided). It is never OK. It brings incredible damage to your self - esteem and to your health. Myself I lost a lot of weight, suffered from anxiety and still have problems to sleep.
Get the help you need!!


Sunday, 19 April 2015

Single living week 5: Tying loose ends and looking forward to setting up new projects.

There are a lot of things people often say to the grieving and those words are all very appreciated and welcomed. From wishes of courage to all confidence and assertiveness that things will look brighter with time. Something like: for all this sh*t there will be its rewards. 

Yes, I do want to rebuild my life, of course. I still want a family that is loving, close, stable, healthy and willing to be there for each - other no matter what. I am an idealist maybe, but I have seen examples of such and I want that. A great partner and father to my beautiful son. Will it come with time? Who knows what the future will bring, but I will, for sure be smarter this time around!



For all the greatness and excitement that dating may bring I don't feel prepared. Not only cause it is too soon (I am aware of that) but there is one simple fact that was true and still remains: I don't like the hassle of dating.  

As I say to my friends.. can't my true love meet me while I am wearing pijamas and knock on my door?? Instead of being breaking your head with thoughts like: "Will he call?", "Does he like me?", "What does this thing he said/ did mean?"... Or simply playing dressing up to go on a "hunt" on a night out. 

Then with any luck, at some point you meet someone  and during the first few months it is all about reinsuring you are making a good impression, in other words: self - marketing. Please insert massive yawn here. 

Plus. I don't do games. Don't know how to play them. I find them childish.
Anyway... my friends are volunteering for renewing my closet, my looks and even my attitude...  cause it seems like that is the secret to success... (rolling eyes). I feel a little bit like their experimenting doll. (Mind I will play along and I deeply appreciate their motivation).

Here is my self defense quote (I was watching the film and I thought hey! there you go bitches! lol)


My personal opinion of the matter is that first, you need to feel good in your own skin, go with the flow and things will fall in to the right place. Make up or no make up. Straightened hair or not. Mini skirt or not. High heels or not.

But then again, I just might be really lazy. 

Another advice I have gotten is from the famous mexican diva:


Being as it may be, there a few things to work on for the next couple of weeks: setting up divorce agreement, (and all the documents involved), actually getting divorced officially; heal old and new wounds and set up new projects for the future.  Kind of hard times that I don't particularly look forward to but they are necessary in order to move on to a brighter, safer, healthier and better tomorrow for my little one and myself. 

Wish me luck!! 






Sunday, 12 April 2015

Single living week 4: God squeezes but doesn't strangle!

So I am back to work :(

And I don't feel motivated at all for anything. I don't even feel like bothering. I guess it is only natural giving the fact that depression mode is on (as part of the grieving process).  It sucks big time!

I am closing this school period so I have tons to work and then 2 weeks of non pay "out of work" status. I have no idea on what conditions my contract will be renewed.  There are so many things I still need for the house (fridge, bed, a place to sit, a place to put my stuff in, so its not laying around in boxes..) but need to be careful with money as my little one and I won't have any $$$ resources soon. The ex has stated his intentions to provide child care but a month later ... I see no evidence of his words... (I am not surprised).

There is a saying in Mexico: "Dios aprieta pero no ahorca" (God squeezes but he doesn't strangle)... well... I either must be pretty tough or some miracle will happen soon. Maybe I could sell my engagement ring for house bills.. I mean, there is no sentimental value of it anymore and it is kind of an emergency. 

In other happier news, last weekend was my dad's 70th birthday. We all had a blast. We went out to eat with his brother's family who are really wonderful people. They took us out and spoiled us to bits. My little one idolizes his grandad. 



Then later on, we followed their tradition of easter egg hunting. It was a first time for little G, so he was happy to re - organise the eggs not knowing there were in fact chocolates! His cousins were happy to explain. And I have to say it.. they are great kids! So sharing, so helpful... 






Thank you auntie C for the pics! Thank you auntie A for the chocolates!
Thank you all for the great weekend out!

Tuesday, 7 April 2015

Single Living week 3: The truth will set you free.




One week off and still don't feel like enough.  Little G and I stayed busy everyday, we are very lucky to count with great family and friends.  We went out for play dates, to swim, out of the city and to oh so many different places! (No wonder why I am still tired.. exhausted...).

My little one had a blast! I had never seen him so excited. He absolutely loves his cousins. And even though there is a gap in age., they just seem to magically connect and understand each other. It is incredible how I was just looking at them (I mean, mine doesn't really speak) and they create games, go from one thing to the next and if they are not giggling they are laughing to the point of almost peeing themselves. Luckily mine, still wears a diaper for that :P


My little tomatito (red tomato).
In other news. I am still going counselling. The therapy and advice I have gotten to overcome the moments of anger (as a natural part of grieving) are pretty cool.  
There are five stages of grieving: isolation, anger, depression, guilt, acceptance.
This week it has been more going towards depression. Mind, it doesn't mean I have moved on a stage. It is a process of different emotions.

There are many things my heart just can't seem to understand (even though it can be pretty simple for the mind) and although Mr. Time will make sense one day of it all, for now, its messy.

I was educated in my family, as part of a tradition, under the philosophy of a jesuit formation and went to their schools. 

The motto of the jesuits has always been:



 "What a load of balls right??" Everybody knows that if anything, truth will get you in trouble: jail or 2 metres underground. History can relate and well nowadays, is not that different. 

None the less, I have recently come across it but put differently to me. It actually makes sense now. It is not the "truth" that will set you free, it is the ultimate truth that will set you free. Not what you think you know, it is what your heart knows. It is IT. But knowing the truth is not an easy task and it can easily be mixed up with your ego's desires and your own reasoning.  Cause that is how we have been socially pre - disposed. The truth is not something you can think, is something you feel and brings you nothing but peace; not anxiety not sadness.

Your ego wants to be right, needs to be massaged regularly, admired publicly, builds up stories to live by; stories you tell yourself of what life is and what you are, it searches for definitions. 
Your ego needs to be constantly bettering itself, will always want more and at the end of the road: it leads you straight into misery. (Here is why all buddhist try to eliminate all desires). 
Your ego will bring you equal shares of joy and suffering as a natural balanced state. But will never bring true happiness. 

The truth in your heart is that you are your beautiful self. It is what it is.

The state of fulfillment can only exist when you reach the truth. The one your heart lives by and lays in the right here, right now. The ultimate truth brings you peace and sets you free. 
Whatever life brings you, one thing will remain: the truth. And if you live by it, there will be no suffering, no hurting. It is how this life is meant to be lived. In total surrender of the truth.

Of course our brains and emotions will want to make things confusing. Myself I am in that process. I wish I could find answers to what I feel are very "reasonable" questions and I need to seek for that silence to just let it be (and to quiet my brain).

The sh*t I have recently been through I know I would have never had done to anyone; so then I am finding it hard to understand why for some others they carry on in life proudly of the damage they cause to people. It is just a matter (or so it feels) of competition where in order for them to win, someone has to loose; just like the person who criticises others to smoothly direct the speech on how good they are.

I am struggling to see what is the point on following your life on what the world recognises as values. Does it really make a difference? What is the point on being "the nicest", good hearted person?  Betrayal is a bitter drink. 

Should I have known better? I feel like I owe that little, neglected warm on my gut some flowers and an "Im sorry" card and even then, an apology doesn't really cut it. But what can you do when someone asks you to trust them? It is incredibly hurtful to realise how much you really meant to someone when without batting an eye everything that was said, done and requested of you is destroyed.

Words and values.. do they really have a leg to stand on? Or is it just a character thing? Either you got it or you don't? I've always had the feeling that I am a little old fashion. Maybe is all the books I read (not the Walt Disney films I've watched) where I do believe in heroes, in people sticking to what they believe in, standing for what they say, making a difference in their lives and everybody around them. 

Probably a product of my own fears, (particularly death) but since a very young age I made that commitment to myself: If you only live once, make it an outstanding one: it may not be the easiest road but at least I wanted to leave this world knowing that I had left something better behind. Is that too idealistic? Am I setting myself up to something that is absolutely pointless?

Any input will be greatly appreciated it. 








Friday, 27 March 2015

Single Living week 2: So out of luck its shocking!

I am E X H A U S T E D.



Luckily for me I have a paid week off. This is how I feel:


Must add the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moSFlvxnbgk
(Credits to Frozen: Walt Disney).

Now, since I have discovered the cost for a divorce and for a solicitor's service.  I am obliged to post - pone the setting up a home idea until it is all settled and finalized. It won't be that much anyway, it will be a couple of hard months and then it will be time to pay for tuition for little G's education... and uniforms (oh joy!). 

Once all protection is set I will be able to relax and enjoy life knowing that certain ex cant come and help himself while I am at work for stuff little G needs just cause the guy is too lazy to wash his own dishes every day. I mean, for God's sake! You double my wage, provide no child support and I also need to contribute for my son's needs in both the dad's and my own house??  Talk about a selfish cheek!... 

Dear Karma.. 


where the hell are you??? I need to point you at the right direction! 
Cause I truly believed  you missed someone over here!




Slight distraction from my troubles, this week I had a new shock: A plane fell just a few kilometres away from my uncle's house in Digne les Bains.  My mothers' family hometownIt has been a horrible tragedy to say the least. I really feel for my loved ones in France and all of  the family victims. 

I need a "limpia" (a mexican spiritual cleanse), a ritual to wash away all bad luck and open channels for renewed energy.

Le clochet à Digne Les Bains.
Le Musée de la Vallée à Barcelonnette.
Chemin à Barles.

In other news, since people have learnt I am single I have gotten more attention than I had expected. 

At first I thought it would probably be a good idea to get something like Socializing for dummies when I froze in panic the moment a cute guy started talking to me... just like that... out of the blue. 

I didn't say anything. I just stood there feeling like a 13 year old. My thoughts ran like the following: "Is he talking to me? Oh God, what did he just say? I was not paying attention... Ok so.. just say something back, anything.. whatever.. The weather is normally a socially accepted topic of conversation... time is clicking, it is getting awkward... it is now a very uncomfortable silence..  " 

So what did I do? Nothing. And I said nothing. I was never good at this and I have been way out of practice. So.. whoopsy?

However, I felt better a day later after someone else told me the worst pick up line ever (someone needs that guide more than I do!!):  "Do you know what my favourite meal is?: Vegetarians mmm...." 


Shame to say it took me a while to understand what the intention was and what he meant. 

Sooooo out of practice. 





Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Single living week 1: So much stuff to do.

Must say it has gone quite quickly.

With the company of many friends I have been visiting all sorts of shops to completely change the ambiance of the loft. My lovely comrades have been very helpful. 
The problem is:  I don't think I know what I want... or what would go together (please insert frustration smiley here). 

Next week I will have a week off (Oh God! Yes!). Which I plan to spend ruining redecorating the entire place. These are some of the ideas I have got so far:

Green for the bedroom., some fabrics to separate rooms and some vintage style kitchen.

Blue living room, L shape sofa and a wardrobe instead of built - in closets.

Besides that I have been busy with all sorts of legal procedures in order to ensure what is best for little G and myself. We need to be legally protected.

I have been recommended to follow Dharmesh, who is a very wise man. If you are a spanish speaker I seriously advice you to check his stuff here. It has kept me at my zen most of the time... except when I was aggressively contacted by the ex. I am guessing it will be a current thing until he moves on or until I am finally granted divorced (and would kinda like a restraining order. Just for my peace of mind). 

He really made me angry. Out of the blue, even when we had agreed not to contact each other no matter what, he came with accusations of something he had missed placed himself! (please add another frustrated smiley here). Naturally it was accompanied with insults. I was livid. 

Don't you just hate it when someone surprises you with aggressions and you respond okeyish but then like 20 minutes later (or 2 days later) you think of what you should have said?? The perfect response comes way too late.

Worst part is that once you start thinking negatively it all builds up and like a falling snowball it gets bigger and bigger and gets out of control.  It is a lot harder to get back to your zen zone.  I should buy a punching bag.

RANT TIME: 

It seems like wanting a divorce and looking after the needs of my son and myself is hypocrisy and apparently is harsh not to care for the future of someone who will not be in yours. 

But of course, it is not harsh to be kicked out of the house with insults, threats and shouts for all the neighbours to hear on mothers day.  It is absolutely acceptable for my 70 year old diabetic father to move the furniture by himself while he chats on facebook (and that is considering that my father has lent and continues to lend him music equipment, cars, and has not billed him for all his accidents nor the free accommodation, he enjoyed for over two years).

Even though we are allegedly remaining good friends. It's cool to be nasty as long as it comes directed my way. Well I don't know what weird - twisted idea of friendship that is but mine includes respect and care. And if you don't have that, you have nothing at all.

Now THAT is what I should have said! (there.. peace now...). 
Unfortunately; all of my statements come from reasoning, which is exactly what you can't do with someone who is going through a manic episode. There is no reason nor any morals.

So just something to remember by...




Saturday, 21 March 2015

A massive change of plans.

There is only one way to face your own fears., and that is to face them.

Hay solamente una manera de afrontar tus miedos., y eso es afrontándolos.





A dear friend of mine once told me that his biggest fear was to have no money. So he gave all his possessions away in order to free himself from his worries. "And everything was O.K." he said.  "No way I am ever doing anything like that" I thought. But life can be cheeky.  I am learning that there are many things you can try to do., but overall you have no control whatsoever in what comes your way.

Un buen amigo mío, en alguna ocasión me dijo que su mayor miedo era no tener dinero. Así que se deshizo de todas sus posesiones para liberarse de sus preocupaciones. "Y todo estuvo bien" dijo.  "En mi vida haría algo semejante" pensé.  Pero la vida tiene su sentido del humor. Estoy aprendiendo que hay muchas cosas que uno puede intentar llevar acabo., pero a final de cuentas, uno no tiene ningún control en lo que viene a tu camino. 

I was always terrified of being completely on my own. As it turns out, life is giving me not a push but more like a shove to deal with what I dread the most. Only it is not just about me who I have to stand for but for my two year old as well.

Siempre he temido estar bajo mi completa responsabilidad. Ahora, la vida no solamente me da un empujón, sino más bien una aventada a lo que más me causaba terror. Lo único es que no soy yo la única de la que tengo que tomar obligación, sino también mi pequeño de dos años. 

Life changed dramatically for me over the past few weeks., but more so over the last week when both my son and I were kicked out of our home with verbal abuse and emotional violence. All because of a younger tail... a student of his... the wife and the kid turned to be a nuisance... cliché much? It has happened in my family for generations, so surely, I shouldn't be surprised it also happened to me. My son and I are on our own. I am financially terrified. 

La vida ha cambiado drásticamente para mí en las últimas semanas., pero más en ésta última semana, cuando mi hijo y yo fuimos corridos de nuestra casa con abuso verbal y violencia emocional. Todo por una chica más joven, una alumna de quien pronto será mi ex - marido. La esposa y el hijo resultaron un fastidio... ¿Siguiendo mucho el estereotipo? Ha pasado en tantas ocasiones en mi familia y en tantas generaciones, que no debería sorprenderme el hecho de que también me sucediera a mí. Mi hijo y yo estamos solos. Estoy aterrorizada financieramente. 

I won't go into details, but since life has taken such a turn so will everything around me., including this blog.  It will be my outlet and I will write about what I know and that will be about what life is as a single mother (with the usual photos and my regular rants).

No voy a entrar en lujo de detalles, pero partiendo de que la vida ha cambiado tan súbitamente a mi alrededor, todo en mi vida ha de modificarse con ello, incluyendo este blog. Será mi desahogue y escribiré sobre lo que conozco, y eso es lo que la vida es como una mamá soltera (con sus fotos usuales y mis ocasionales despotriques. 

People around me have been incredibly supportive, all my family and friends from both sides of the Atlantic as well as my university students have been nothing but loving and I am incredibly grateful. So thank you all for the hugs, the kind words, the company and the meals! I am really, really lucky to have you all in my life.

La gente a mi alrededor ha sido un apoyo increíble, mi familia y amigos de ambos lados del Atlántico, así como mis alumnos de universidad han sido amorosos y estoy increíblemente agradecida con ellos. Gracias por todos sus abrazos, sus dulces palabras, la compañía y los alimentos. Soy muy, pero muy afortunada de tenerlos a todos en mi vida.  

Amongst my many concerns, there is also my weight, which I seem to have lost at an incredible speed over the past week or so. I am, none the less following psychological treatment. Hopefully I can solve all my sadness, the anger and eventually forgiveness., none other than for my own sake. I do not want to carry that with me. Both my son and I need to free ourselves from the wreckage to live a happy and peaceful life. It won't be easy, but time is always kind and wise.

Entre mis muchas preocupaciones, está mi peso., el cual parece desaparecer a una velocidad impactante desde la semana pasada. Estoy, no obstante, siguiendo tratamiento psicológico. Espero poder resolver todas mis tristezas, corajes y eventualmente trabajar con el perdón., por nadie más que por mi misma. Yo no quiero cargar con eso. Tanto mi hijo como yo necesitamos liberarnos del daño para vivir una vida placentera y pacífica. No será fácil., pero el tiempo siempre es amable y sabio. 







LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Sponsored by: