It has been a bit hectic: with all the admin work that I had to do for work and personal stuff I was feeling exhausted by wednesday! So much that I got my usual fatigue migraine and then.. agh.. a horrible anxiety - panic attack at work. I thought I had overdose on pain killers. It was embarrassing enough that nurses had to come and help causing concern amongst other teachers and students.
Unfortunately.. it was a bit of a show, followed by the repetitive "how are you feeling today?" the next day. I do not like to get that kind of attention, but I guess I need to ease off. People are genuinely concern about my health and I should admit when I need help. There is nothing wrong with that.
Anyway... week by week I slowly realise that this is all a process for the better, for everybody involved, well at least, for little G and myself. It may not seem like great times at the mo but in the long run it is what I would have preferred for us. Concentrating in what beautiful gift is the present.
I am not resentful against my ex. It isn't really him, it's his illness that is taking control over him and there is nothing I can do about it other than to live life as fully as possible (yolo.. right?).
So I am taking notice of the little things that make life a nice treat...
What I want out of life for my little one and myself is a summit of spiritual and meaningful experiences and they can not come right next to the most vain, selfish and arrogant person I have ever had the inconvenience of being with (result of what he is going through). That path, I know leads no - where we want to be in.
My son is a great, gorgeous, happy little boy who deserves and needs a loving family unit.
With that in mind, I have to give myself a pat in the back to have had the courage to come out of a destructive and violent environment. A decision that not many women take. It is a road to the unknown but I rather that then sticking to what I know it simply doesn't go.
I know it may sound like I am incredibly brave, but truth to be told I need a lot of work to heal, to re - find myself and more importantly to learn the many lessons I have at hand. These ones being:
1) You can't force anything. Things are forever changing and I have to really learn how to go with the flow (my biggest challenge). If you resist, you suffer.
Going with the flow means acceptance. And more importantly is learning how to respond to life rather than reacting to it.
2) If you don't love yourself. You can't love no - one else.
Love and everything that goes around you is a result not of outside circumstances but a mirror to what lives deep in your soul. If you correct what lives in your spirit, everything else falls in to the right place.
3) The mexican expression: "Tell me what you brag about, and I'll tell you what you lack of".
Beauty is subjective and is a reflection of what lives in your soul. It reflects into others when is in harmony with the universe.
Looks always fade away, so is always wiser to invest in your spirit rather than this egotistic culture of self image. A pretty face can be nice to look at but when is a shallow one, all magic disappears rather quickly. It's naturally a process; feed yourself with junk food and sooner rather than later you will look unwell. You are what you eat and you become what you think. So feed your soul wisely.
What is, it simply is, there is no need for branding nor promoting. You don't need to tag every flower nor every sunrise with qualities that are obvious to the eye. If you must so, then you are probably thirsty of the same adjective you so desperately want to name yourself by.
4) Don't take bullsh*t. Throw it to the bin. Learn to listen to your heart and learn how to distinguish between what is pure and what is a product of the ego either your own, or someone else's.
So many people are so desperate to spill their own insecurities, fears and weaknesses that want to interfere with your own life. Ignoring it, is the best way to go. Now, when this happens, don't blame nor point fingers at others (or yourself). It is a bi - product of our current lifestyle (the overall way of life, that is).
So basically, find beauty in chaos, don't hold into anything, be in touch with your soul, let go of the ego path, become aware of your own thought process and your own response to life. Don't let yourself get caught on reacting to it. Stay close to like minded people and shine my darling, shine!
I am incredibly thankful for all the wonderful people in my life. I am truly blessed.
|Sunday's Farmer's Markets: Children's day!|
Note about violence:
You may have heard about it, but like me, you never realised it was happening to you. If you are suffering from it, cut loose! Get the protection you need and get informed. The only thing that may be holding you to (if you really think about it) is fear, and fear is a false state of mind. It is not real. Lives in your head only. Reality is what you make of it.
There are many types of violence: physical (quite obvious); emotional/ psychological (includes shouting, insulting, ridicule, threats, sulking, asking you to leave your family house, belittling, bullying and a big, big etcetera.) and patrimonial violence (when yourself or your children are depending on goods to survive and they are not provided). It is never OK. It brings incredible damage to your self - esteem and to your health. Myself I lost a lot of weight, suffered from anxiety and still have problems to sleep.
Get the help you need!!